Fear. This word scare the hell out of many people. Everyone of us, including me, have our own fear towards certain thing. It remains an enigma to individual self of what we really afraid of, what we fear of.


Last night, I watched a movie called “Divergent”. It’s not really a very WOW movie for me, but I like the story line itself and there is a line that caught my attention. “Fear doesn’t shut you down, it wakes you up”. That line kept whirling in my head and I started to doubt myself. Am I the type that being shut down by fear or it does wake me up? I’m not sure about myself, but I want to be the type that become more alert and grow stronger when facing my own fear. At the same time, I realized that I am not the typical trend-chaser type. Maybe one of many reason also because I can’t afford it yet, and I’m pretty comfortable to be what I am at this moment and feel good about my own sexuality (except the fact that I still need to shed down a little bit of tummy fat!). I love being free and unlabelled, not brand-chaser like some of my friends do, or judging one person from what they wear. Everyone is unique, there is no doubt about it. Yet, most people are the same. They are being inveterate by environment, friends, and anything they see on internet. That’s what they become. But please, take some time to calm down and ask yourself, “What do you really want?”. Whenever I’m lost, I like to take some time for myself and spending it on my own. No outside interruption, no intruders, no phone, no chatting, but just me. The more age added to myself, I feel the more time I need for myself. Growing up isn’t easy, or should I say growing old… Well, as age grows, there will be more things you need to worry, more burden, more expenses, but less health and time to do them all. Thus, I like to spend time alone pretty much and recently, I pretty much did that from time to time. I hangout less with people surrounding. Am not trying to be not social, I love meeting people, but as my age reaching 30, I should stop and re-think and re-program myself to be ready to face what might come after 30-ties. Maybe I’m just a bit slow comparing to many others.

Another thing I recently encountered is argument. I involved in many of those for the past year, and still happening. I dislike it, I do,but I also learned that without conflicts, we never learnt what wrong exactly happen with us or it simply other people’s problem?

So now you see the uncertain and insecure me when growing old. Spending time alone doesn’t mean I’m a loner, it just give me more time to reflect on my life and how to take things in stride. And it works! Apart from that, spending time alone doesn’t mean I’m pouting or just laying on my bed watching tv while grabbing snacks (I do that sometimes), but instead, I do meditation, reading, and music.It really did help me a lot. One day, I caught myself with a question inside my head and all the bad emotions just seemed fade away. And that question, “What are you living for, Pendy?”. It feels like another “wake up call” for me when I realized that life’s so short and mine might end anytime just like many people’s. Then, I reminded myself that I should be happy, optimist and brave to face anything in my life and fight like a knight. Even if my life ended, I lived a great one in my life and people will know that I did. I want to bring smile and happiness to grave one day, with no regrets! 😀

There is a myth with late twenties to thirties crisis,I know few friends do really have that. But I want to believe that there is a silver lining behind all of those crisis. I really do. I just like being an adventurer and be fearless. ^^